having a (paint)ball

My whole life I’ve fallen into the “athletically challenged” category. Not necessarily for lack of skill but primarily for fear of failure. I never really tried out for sports because I never thought I was good enough, so I settled for being videographer, water distribution engineer or equipment management supervisor. It all worked out for me though. I had all the perks of being on the team (i.e. leaving class early, road trips to out of state tournaments, hanging with my friends, etc…) without all of the negative aspects (i.e. running my butt off every day, injuries, cost of equipment, etc…) so all in all I really had few complaints, except for the "non-athletic" label I was branded with by my friends. Unfortunately, that cloud of athletic failure hung over me all through grade school and well into college, forever banishing me to be the last one picked in any organized athletic activity.

Well for one weekend, the curse was lifted. For once in a long time…no…probably my life, I was picked first for a physically demanding endeavor requiring speed, agility, and coordination. Out of 14 other guys between the ages of 18 and 30-something I was the very first one selected once the captains had been appointed (let me just clarify that this was not because the captain and I were in cahoots or because he owed me a favor). The activity I’m referring to is of course paintball and lemme’ tell ya, it was a hoot and a half! I’m going to try and keep the horn tootage to a minimum but I surprised even myself with my performance. I’ve been paintballing on several occasions but this day was different for some reason. I was fearless. I’m talking jump-on-a-grenade-for-your-comrades fearless, not jump-off-the-garage-on-your-skateboard “fearless”. I’d like to attribute my bravery to the inclement weather conditions and the overwhelming number of action movies I watch but whatever the root cause, I was the navy seal of the paintball world this particular day…and everyone noticed.

The cold/wet/muddy conditions were perfect for sliding, army crawling, and diving behind bunkers, and boy did I take advantage of it. We had already played several games and were all soaked to the bone, covered in mud and loving every minute of it. One game in particular that day stands out as the pinnacle of my paintball career. Here’s a brief summary of how it went down:

• An immediate sprint behind enemy lines followed by what the supervising official referred to as “the most awesome slide he’s ever seen during a paintball match” (this deserves a quick explanation: because it was wet and muddy and I had already been sliding everywhere, I ended my sprint into enemy territory with a baseball-style slide behind the nearest bunker to shield myself from the barrage of paintballs whistling over my head. The particular bunker I chose just so happened to have a monster puddle in front and as I slid into it I kicked up a “rooster tail” or a huge wave of water that sprayed up behind me. The referee was thoroughly impressed and made a big to-do about it but aside from the recognition, it was just downright FUN!) I digress…
• Forcing a former member of the military to surrender by outmaneuvering him
• Sneaking up ninja-style behind the guy guarding the flag and forcing his surrender (that’s two forced surrenders in one game)
• Making a reckless mad dash for the flag (while avoiding friendly fire from my own teammates not expecting one of their own to pop up behind enemy lines)
• A final sprint to the enemy base including a police chase-style hood slide over a tire bunker
• Capturing the enemy flag almost single-handedly and leading my team to victory
  

I’m just going to end there. This incident has become my single-greatest achievement in the field of athleticism. I don’t know if I’ll ever have such a braggadocious moment so I figured I’d better go ahead and document it…you know, strictly for posterity of course.